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I'm mostly:
Paleocon
18%
 18%  [ 2 ]
Very Moral Minority
18%
 18%  [ 2 ]
Crunchy Con
9%
 9%  [ 1 ]
Neocon
9%
 9%  [ 1 ]
Libbertaryan
18%
 18%  [ 2 ]
Clone Army Con
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
South Park Conservative
18%
 18%  [ 2 ]
Moderate Conservative
9%
 9%  [ 1 ]
Humourless, and can't take a joke
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Coo-coo for Communism
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 11

Author Message
FF_Canuck





Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 3360
Reputation: 73.4
votes: 17
Location: Southern Alberta

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:13 am    Post subject: A Field Guide to Conservatives... Reply with quote

From one of my favorite blogs, Atomic Nerds:

Amero-centric, but good for a little bit of self-effacing laughter (And possibly offensive).

LabRat wrote:
... So, without further ado, the field guide. It is very silly and meant to be taken as such, and was written when my very small audience was mainly to the left or REALLY to the left of me- I had gotten more than a little tired of seeing people talk as though conservatism was a blob of uniform thought that could be entirely represented by Dick Cheney and James Dobson.

The Paleocon
Distinguishing features: The Paleocon believes in small government, traditional values, low taxes, and minimal interference in foreign affairs. In general, he believes that America started to go downhill somewhere around Woodrow Wilson, and all things being equal would prefer to repeal the twentieth century in general. He’s still absolutely outraged about progressive taxation, and especially the New Deal. He feels the Republican party abandoned conservatism somewhere around Nixon.

Where found: Generally, with a cigarette and a martini somewhere in upstate New Hampshire.

Call: “The government should deliver the mail and declare war. We just have to get them to stop doing EVERYTHING ELSE. Dammit.”

The Very Moral Minority
Distinguishing features: This fellow believes that faith in God and the Bible automatically translates to good government. God = good, so how could government guided by God be anything else? American society will turn right back into the garden of Eden it was in the fifties if we just get God back into every single aspect of public life. Always shocked when it turns out most other Christians don’t agree, and keep quoting something annoying about that which is Caesar’s. Oh well, he’s still right.

Where found: With very bad hair and an equally bad suit, and not infrequently, a radio station.

Call: “The Communists were atheists, and they killed a hundred million people!”

The Crunchy Con (Hat tip for term to National Review)
Distinguishing Features: Highly literate, usually religious (though not always Christian), and deeply rooted in small-town traditional values. Disdains pop culture, big business, big government, and big anything, including big religion. Usually does not own a TV. May or may not own a radio. Shops in Wild Oats/Trader Joe’s/Whole Foods, but entertains private fantasies of shouting “I VOTED FOR BUSH!” to see if it really would start a riot.

Where found: In organic co-ops, small churches, and small towns. Distinguishable by simultaneous presence of Birkenstocks and lack of bumper stickers.

Call: “Feed your family good food for their bodies, minds, and spirits.”

The Neocon
Distinguishing Features: Did you ever wonder what happened to the liberal Democrats from the Kennedy era who believed in civil rights, women’s rights, and opposing totalitarianism by force and spreading democracy the same way? Now they’re neocons. Prone to pointing out that Japan was a backwards country mired in feudalism and civil war until Admiral Perry pointed several naval cannons at them. Admit that, okay, that whole East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere episode was a setback, but then we occupied them for a couple of decades and look at them now.

Where found: At antiwar protests jeering the protestors. Fleeing from said furious protestors.

Call: “Freedom and democracy for all.”

The Libbertaryan
Distinguishing features: First cousin to the Paleocon with less “traditional” values. Don’t believe the government has the right to interfere with them in ANY way except to enforce contracts and have a military. They are not totally sure about the military.

Where found: In Montana or Wyoming with their family, dogs, and a sign reading “Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”

Call: “Gimme my guns, drugs, and whores, and GET OFF MY PROPERTY.”

The Clone Army Con
Distinguishing features: Changes depending on the decade, but roiling disdain for “liberals” is constant.

Where found: Anywhere.

Call: “(Whatever Rush Limbaugh or Michael Savage is saying this week)”

The South Park Conservative
Distinguishing features: Smirk. Either consciously hip or consciously unhip clothing. Tendency to burst out laughing at seemingly inappropriate moments. Joy in making people angry, especially liberals, but other conservatives will do if there aren’t any liberals in range or they just feel like a change of pace.

Where found: Nearly anywhere, but take particular delight in being conservatives in traditionally liberal outposts.

Call: *singing* “America, FUCK YEAH!”

The Moderate Conservative
Distinguishing feature: Frequently indistinguishable from Moderate Liberals.

Where found: Ubiquitous.

Call: “I have to go to work in the morning.”


:lol:
Mac





Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 5500
Reputation: 104
votes: 35
Location: John Baird's riding...

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the comment which called for the "redneck-com" who is a cross between Libbertaryan
and Clone Army, only we don’t listen to talk radio, just country music.

-Mac
Montgomery





Joined: 26 Sep 2006
Posts: 53
Reputation: 10.6
votes: 1
Location: Antigonish, Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The description of a South Park Conservative pretty much fit me to a T. The part about enjoying being a conservative in a traditionally liberal outpost - in my case, a university campus - was bang on. It's so easy to annoy liberals, and yet, still so fun. ;)
kwlafayette





Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Posts: 6155
Reputation: 156.2Reputation: 156.2
votes: 28
Location: Saskatoon Saskatchewan

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I find the "aryan" misspelling of libertarian a bit suspect.
FF_Canuck





Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 3360
Reputation: 73.4
votes: 17
Location: Southern Alberta

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kwlafayette wrote:
I find the "aryan" misspelling of libertarian a bit suspect.


:shock: Noticed the spelling error, never really thought about it. Really, I think that just makes it funnier, though.

Mac wrote:
I liked the comment which called for the "redneck-com" who is a cross between Libbertaryan and Clone Army, only we don’t listen to talk radio, just country music.


Ditto. I would've put it in the survey, but it's already quite large.
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A Field Guide to Conservatives...

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